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CHARACTERS: Anakin, Cal & Obi-Wan
DATE: September, throughout
WARNINGS: fuckboy behaviour, probably talk of war and genocide
SUMMARY: training sessions and gross domestic stuff. if you ever wanted to oogle your Jedi neighbour here is your chance...

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[ His gaze snaps back to Obi-Wan, surprised by the revelation. ]

Your Master...?

[ It's soft, disbelieving. But then his expression changes, his shoulders lowering as if some great weight was suddenly lifted off them. Finally—finally—someone who understands. Cere had done her best, could sympathize with the manner of his loss even if she couldn't empathize, had supported him and encouraged him to move on, and that was enough.

But Obi-Wan knew exactly what it was like to watch your Master die in front of you, and not be able to do a thing about it. There's power in that shared experience. ]

Me too. I felt... powerless. [ Even now, after making peace with his Master's death, there's still regret weighing his tone. He doesn't think it'll ever go away completely.

Then he shifts, takes a breath—lets it out slowly. ] For a long time, I thought if I'd just been stronger, or braver, or a better apprentice, then I could've... saved him.

[ It will always be a bruise, but enough time has passed now that Obi-Wan no longer feels like just mentioning the man rips his heart open. He lets the ache wash over him, lets it ebb in the Force between them without taking root, empathizing with Cal's much closer injury. He hears himself in Cal's voice, and knows that there are many Jedi that experienced the same thing during the Clone Wars.

But there was something unique and awful about being trapped behind a wall, helpless. The memory lingers in him, washed in the red of the plasma shield, the red light saber, the tattoos on Maul's red skin. He does not know how Jaro died, or what the circumstances were: but he knows Cal was only a youngling when it happened. Believing he could have, should have, done more to save a fully fledged Jedi Master was ridiculous.

Obi-Wan does not voice that thought. Perhaps it is only something someone can see from the other side of having a Padawan themselves. ]

I felt the same. [ He gentles. ] But you have shown such strength and bravery to survive this long, Cal. He would be very proud of you.

[ There's something deeply comforting about hearing Obi-Wan say he felt the same way. Feeling the ache of his loss, so incredibly similar to his own, flow through the Force between them. It makes Cal feel less alone, less damaged.

And then there's something deeply affecting about Obi-Wan saying that Master Tapal would be proud of him, because he'll never actually hear the words from his Master himself. And it haunted him for so long, what his Master would think of his Padawan now, with all his mistakes and shortcomings and doubts.

But he felt it, during his last vision of Master Tapal. The warmth in him, through the Force, there in his Master's final lesson to him. Was there pride too?

Cal bows his head, emotion lodged in his throat. He's quiet for a moment, breathing in and out with intent, letting his feelings flow through him and out into the Force. ]

That's what I want to do. Make him proud. [ Even if he doesn't feel very strong or brave. Even if he doesn't really know how now that the holocron is destroyed. ]

I just wish he was still here. To teach me, to show me what to do. [ He'd felt so lost—still does, in many ways. Then he smiles ruefully, short-lived. ] That doesn't go away, does it?

[ There is such a rawness to the admission that Obi-Wan cannot help the way everything in him softens around him. He wonders at what the next generation of Jedi might have been, if such open displays of affection and loss, would have been where they were headed. Looking back on it, he can't help but feel an uncomfortable sense of pride for the way those like Barris and Ahsoka and Anakin had spoken up, even if the results were not always... ideal. How much of that was the Council refusing to listen? How much of that was them desperately cleaving to ideals that were being smashed apart by Sidious? ]

No. [ He agrees kindly, because it is true. ] It only becomes easier to live with.

[ A beat: ]

I know it is not the same, but so long as I am able, I will be glad to offer you what guidance I can.

[ He nods wordlessly. Easier to live with... he already knows the truth of that. It has become easier to live with, with time, with acceptance. Not easy, just easier. And he can live with that. He's already lived through worse. ]

Really?

[ Why the offer surprises him, he doesn't know. Maybe it shouldn't. But as it sinks in, he can't help but feel... grateful. Relieved. Moved, in a way. He's spent so long relying only on himself and learning on his own that the idea of having a fully-fledged Jedi Master to teach him is just... ]

I feel like there's so much I never got a chance to learn. Or had to figure out on my own.

[ He pauses, his expression relaxing into the first semblance of a smile. ] Thank you, Master Kenobi.

[ Not just for the offer, but for the pep talk too. ]

Edited 2021-11-06 04:45 (UTC)

[ He smiles, warm, and nods. Even though Cal has been knighted, it doesn't mean he doesn't have anything to learn. If his lessons in essence stopped when he was thirteen, then Obi-Wan believes he might be able to do something to pass some of their teachings on — even if all of them won't fit the future Cal lives in. ]

Now, would you like to try meditating with me?

[ Whatever the answer, he reorganizes himself into a cross legged position, settling in to do just that. ]

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